buzz buzz

hey hey hey

i've been super mega hyper ultra wopper busy, and as such, dropped off the map a bit. and i even actually got worried messages from couple of people - aww, shucks guys! i've not had enough time to get up to no good here, so all worries are unfounded for now.

where to begin? izz and i went to yulin lychee and dog meat festival to lead the revolution and save some dogs from dire dissection and a destiny for the dinner dish. alas:

1 - we were way, way too late

2 - it took us 6 hours to get there thanks to some spectacular misadventure

3 - we were actually supposed to be meeting up in Guangzhou (about 381km off target).

i of course found this hilarious... i'm sure izz was doing everything in her power not to hit me for spending the whole weekend laughing.

i could recount the entire heroic journey in full here, but i think it's much more fun to just drop in some trivia of the adventure so far.

did you know? #1

(south) chinese people are addicted to their phones. i mean, i know basically everyone is a little bit dependent on checking their screens, but these guys are always plugged in. driving a motorbike? you can use a phone too! changing your babies nappy? selfie time! traffic collision? paparazzi time! my personal favourite is when you see a whole family squashed onto a motorbike, and the husband who's driving, the mama who's holding the kids, and both their kids are all on their phones each - 10/10

******* it's photo time! ********

real life army tanks,  2k17!

did you know?  episode 2

(south) chinese people don't use earphones. ever. everything is always on loudspeaker, always at maximum volume -  nowhere is sacred; nowhere is silent. old men are the worst for this - day 1 seeing citizens of 80+ using smartphones was cute as a novelty on day 1, but they are usually watching really bad action movies or chinese soap operas (=shouting and screaming matches that don't end). this is tolerable if you're in a good mood, but when we were on the train back from guilin some degenerate decided to watch an action movie - with explosions and everything - at full volume at 3am when most people were trying to sleep. i hope his next birthday is a monday.

so much more has happened, but it'll have to wait until next time.

this week i'm flying to hanoi, viet nam. i'm super ultra stoked for all the real viet food i'm gonna eat, but izz insists that we can't just spend five days eating and we'll actually have to sightsee. ohhhh, how she underestimates me..........

jk - can't wait for the cultural overload. there's so much of asia to see and so little time to see it!

thanks for everyone who's sending me messages; sorry to everyone i haven't replied to yet.

stay shiny!

j xo

P.S. china is gonna be shutting down vpn's forever, which means i won't be able to communicate apart from whatsapp or email. i won't even be able to blog here. yay. i'm sure i'll find a way around it, but if i do actually disappear, it's just the great firewall of china

woof woof

hey hey hey

izzy and i are heading off to yulin dog-meat festival to rescue some dogsgies in distress. hopefully we can save rex and fido before they get the chop!

so much has happened but i never have time to post anything. i'm happy and getting fit and learning lots about the world and myself.

wish us luck!

j xo

oops

contact lens broke. got an eye infection. nearly lost sight in my eye permanently.

spent the last two weeks lying down in the dark listening to music and audiobooks.

nearly went insane with cabin fever.

i now super mega hyper ultra respect my eyes.

they're nearly fully healed (huzzah)

oh, and it's dragon boat festival here. i don't know what that means and i'm crazy behind on my work, so i guess i'll tell you about it next year when i get to take part.

so uhh, apart from mind-numbing boredom, inexorable insanity due to isolation and having to walk around like a pirate for the past few days, i'd say nothing much has happened.

it's sports day soon though, so hopefully i'll return victorious and not make a complete fool of myself.

hopefully.

anyway, three cheers for not going blind.

protect your eyes

they're super cool

stay fresh,

J xo

this is major tom to ground control

this week:

the sun nearly killed me

a completely stark naked 8 year-old boy snuck downstairs into the shop whilst his papa was distracted selling me beer, stole a candy bar and waddled back upstairs with his prize. Nobody else saw.

i went to an english corner where Chinese people can practise their English and ask many, MANY questions about the west. (i'm famous now)

a little boy told me his favourite thing was to do in the city was to eat Hagen-Dasz. i asked him which flavour, and he just said "all the flavours" as if it was obvious. what a hero.

i played a friendly game of badminton with my students. they destroyed me. it was brutal.

i got given a slice of cake from one of my students because it was HER birthday. if that's how it works here, my birthday's gonna be expeeeeeeeensive if i'm working that day...

i visited a buddhist temple. it had an all-you-can-eat vegetarian buffet (because China) and now i think i'm gonna have to convert.

accidentally said "bloody" in class and now my students won't stop saying it

lost my glasses (time of death: 21 days)

learned that there's a Walmart here - can't wait to exploit its riches

got paid - can now live like a king

paid back my friends - can now live like a student

but most importantly of all - THIS WEEKEND I'M BEING TAUGHT HOW TO MAKE CHINESE DUMPLINGS (jiao zi). This is what the dream is, people.

i'll send photos of the mess as it happens.

hope you're happy too,

peace and love,

J xo

don't fall back

things i learned today:

the city i live in is beautiful

toilets do not exist here

there are turtles EVERYWHERE and chinese people love to catch them

squatting is really difficult when there's so much at stake with keeping your balance

the locals seem to think touching my hair will bring them luck so now i need to buy a hat

seriously, if you fall, it's game fucking over

there's a super-mega-hyper-ultra sick food market with everything to eat. including turtles

there's no toilet paper either

the bus into town costs literally 20p

or soap

all in all, life is sweet here

what am i supposed to do????????\

stay fresh,

J xo

lost in translation

this just in:

"mr? You sound just like Harry Potter"

"you're the most handsome teacher we've had ever" (nice try, Quasimodo (that's really his name (really)))

speaking of names, one of my new students was doing an exercise on the blackboard and as i passed him the chalk, i wanted to appear inclusive and asked him what his name was.

he casually threw me a "Uber-Fuhrer Heidrich" and I shouted at him for being inappropriate.

but it was on the fucking register. of course. Uber-Fuhrer Heidrich.

his homework is to pick a new name.

my students keep inviting me to come with them into town and they'll show me all the best spots and all the best things to eat. it's an obvious trap, but also they did mention foooood. they are already discovering my weaknesses...

one of them asked me to a badminton match as well, so now i need to pretend to be busy or injured for the rest of the year because these kids are super mega hyper crazy badminton pros. or train every day and hope i catch them when they're all ill one day and steal delicious victory.

oh, and these are my new friends

 stay fresh,

J xo

where to start?

my life has transformed over the past month and i feel really blessed because of it

life is sort of isolated because people don't speak english here. there also aren't any westerners (white people) here, so i've become a local celebrity by default and people keep trying to take selfies with me. the novelty of this is beginning to wear off a bit and it's all very, very weird

i always knew that i wanted to do teaching, and it's really, really great. i'm a lot stricter than i thought i'd be; i thought i'd be a fun teacher but actually i'm pretty severe. hopefully they don't see through the charade...

my city is beautiful and i can't wait to actually get to see it in summer

i just have a lot of time to myself at the moment. i'm mostly reading history, practicing music, writing and exploring small patches of the city.

there's too much to tell you all at once

but i'm really, really happy

and best news of all - i've continued with my novel. and i'm writing a play.

everything is really good

hope you're happy too

~J

fresh start

new blog

same me, just a little bit older and wiser

...okay, older then.

now available in China

it's pretty here

but the people are insane

so i'll fit right in ^^

i'll keep you posted if i get internet

peas

J xo